Determined To Be Used

At the Upper Room last night, this was part of the message, being determined. Persistently determined to be exact. This is something that I really want to be, just not very good at it. If you've spent any time with me, you've probably seen me opinionated about one thing or another...and if you haven't, we clearly aren't close. Determination? Easy. Persistent, consistent, commitment? Not so much.

The speaker asked us to think of something we feel passionate about that moves us to tears. Sex slavery was the first thing that came to mind. Human trafficking. Poverty. Homelessness. These are things that I personally strive to make a difference for when I'm feeling motivated. But the thing that devastated me probably more than any of these was about a year ago when I found out that two of my really close friends of the time had decided to "take a break" from Christ and their walk with Him. I literally cried about it for days.
In Romans 9: 1-3 (Message version), Paul says "At the same time, you need to know that I carry with me at all times a huge sorrow. It's an enormous pain deep within me, and I'm never free of it. I'm not exaggerating -Christ and the Holy Spirit are my witnesses. It's the Israelites... If there were any way I could be cursed by the Messiah so they could be blessed by him, I'd do it in a minute. They're my family. ..."
Other versions say that he felt 'unceasing anguish'. That's exactly how I felt. Then he goes on to say that if he could give up his own salvation, his own ticket into eternity with his greatest love, he would do it in a heartbeat just for the sake of someone he considered family. Also exactly how I felt. I was pretty much just torn up about the fact that two of my favorite people would not be in Heaven with me, and I was so anguished -there really isn't a better word for it- that they were not even interested in the best thing that anyone could possibly have. I guess that's my own opinion since I have some friends that won't agree with that statement at all, but whatever. Basically, I was devastated and that was one of the hardest things I ever had to deal with that I could really do nothing about.
Anyways. the speaker encouraged us to take what broke us the most and find a way to use that passion to bring goodness and hope to the world. Then of course God decides that I need to be challenged a little more than that, and tells me that I don't just get to feel this upset about people that are close to me when they choose to follow what they want instead of what He wants. I need to feel this way about every single person on earth. He reminded me that everyone is His child and that I'm pretty blind to that.
So. Apparently my next challenge to add to the list is to really tap into this while I'm at YWAM. Really it's the perfect opportunity because I'll be evangelizing in some way when I'm doing outreach, probably talking to people I've never met before about Christ on a daily basis. As much as this scares me to begin with, now I need to realize that I should feel that same connection with them as I do with someone I consider a brother or sister already. I should be willing to sacrifice myself in order to bring them closer to God. With most strangers I come across, especially people that drive stupidly on the highway, this seems like one of the biggest mental obstacles ever. Do I really feel like I would give up my eternal happiness and hope for the person that flicked me off when they came to a complete stop on 394 for no apparent reason and of course I almost hit them? Do we really need the answer to this question?
I'mma need prayer on this one. As always. But I think I'm ready to try it out....

Luke 9

--One day Jesus called together his 12 apostles and gave them power and authority to cast out demons and to heal all diseases. Then he sent them out to tell everyone about the coming of the Kingdom of God and to heal the sick. "Don't even take along a walking stick," he instructed them, "nor a traveler's bag, nor food, nor money. Not even an extra coat.".......So they began their circuit of the villages, preaching the Good News and healing the sick.

Basically I made this blog because right now I can't find my journal. So I figure I need a place to process my thoughts, and maybe you can process with me. Or follow me on my adventures to YWAM. Or just creep for the sole purpose of creepin. Whatever. I have nothing profound to say but we all know I don't mind sharing my thoughts :)
Right now what I'm thinking is that I need a reality check. Jesus gave his apostles the power and authority to do what he was doing, and promises that if we choose to follow him, we will be able to do these things and more. He tells them to go out and DO these things, taking no luxuries with them. Not even an extra coat. Living in Minnesota, is that even sensible? Christ doesn't call us to be sensible though. He just says "go out and do". The crazy part is that they listened. It doesn't say they spent months freaking out, stressing out, and backing out like I want to do.
Not saying I won't be packing my car full of things I think I'll "need" in the next 6 months of my life. But hopefully I will spend more than just tonight pondering these verses and knowing that I don't need to be what I might consider 'prepared' because I really never will be fully ready for what's coming. I am definitely gonna be needing some serious prayer though because I know that alone I won't be able to become this kind of person that just picks up and goes to heal the sick. I'd rather sleep all day on my pillow top in my room in the city where I won't be stretched beyond what I think I can handle.
The good thing is, I've done that for a while now and I know that I'm not meant to be in a comfortable place. I don't even sincerely like it. I'm just terrified of new things. So again... As I'm freaking out and doing last minute things to get ready for this upcoming adventure of mine... pray for me? It would be much appreciated :)