This post is basically straight from my journal a couple nights ago... I'll probably star ** a couple things to mention down in the comments if you don't know what I'm talking about, like when I refer to the book study I've been doing.
August 22nd, 2013
I'm reading the Wrap Up for the 7 Experiment bible study* I'm now done with. And I just had a pretty important revelation... Well actually Jen Hatmaker (the author of 7) had it for me, but it completely applies to my life right now.
She was in the adoption process with many complications, as it always goes, and she broke down because she couldn't have her kids without roadblocks and every day was difficult to bear because it was one more day her kids wouldn't have parents or a family. She finally told God how much she was hurting and wouldn't stop grieving until she had her kids. He said that the adoption process wasn't just the happiness of bringing kids into a loving home, but for them as new parents (to these kids) to join in the suffering of the orphans. Jesus felt a lot of suffering in his time here, not necessarily being able to fix every problem or heartache he came across.
"If indeed we share in His sufferings in order that we may also share in His glory." - Romans 8:17
So my heart hurts all the time, and I hate that I have years of preparation in front of me before I'll "actually make a difference" (ok I know it's not true, but this is how I feel most days). I hate that human trafficking* is everywhere around me, and people get to work with it -to prevent it- all the time or go to Peru or wherever else and do something. I hate that there are women and children slaving away in bondage every single day, and I COULD DO SO MUCH IF I WERE JUST THERE. But here I am just going to school and work every day, feeling like I'm stuck here forever and I'll be old and wrinkly by the time I get to go do something useful for the world. Here I am, getting more depressed as the months go on because of this awful mundane schedule. As much as I understand what a gift and privilege education is and having a job, I wouldn't hesitate to pass it up if I felt I could be just as qualified to go pursue my dream tomorrow.
But here God says I am doing something. Not just the usual of 'being a witness' and 'serving in the little ways' or whatever. But in reality, I am learning their suffering firsthand (as much as possible in the safety of my life of freedom, I'm obviously not learning what it's like to be a slave). I will work one day with women and children who have spent years hating themselves and their situations, but feeling like there's no better option. Even if they're working towards something good, they've still got their past to haunt them, and so do I.
I know someday I'll be able to tell them "this is how I found freedom in the mundane". Obviously I'm still figuring that out... I've come an extremely long way in the past few years (thank you Jesus), but there's more joy to be discovered.
I guess I will understand suffering, yearning, unsatisfied passion, and impatience on a whole new level when this season is over. As much as I still hate it... at least there is some holiness to this place I'm in. God is good, and maybe there's hope for me and my crabbiness after all.
